NoFace for Film

Welcome to a new season of American Idol! We start off with a quick recap of last year’s Finale Results Show, which lead to the crowning of Taylor Hicks over Katharine McPhee as the American Idol of 2006. Then we’re shown clips of the most successful Idol contestants, as images of Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Fantasia, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, Taylor Hicks, and Chris Daughtry flash before the screen. The clips of Kelly and Carrie winning their Grammys is a gentle reminder to the audience of the impact this show can make on a person’s life.

The first stop is Minneapolis, Minnesota. Cut to the obligatory footage of thousands of wannabe singers waiting in some sort of stadium cheering. Host Ryan Seacrest answers my question in a voiceover by saying that 10,000 people audtioned in that city. The judges assemble at their proper places at the table. There’s Randy, Paula, Simon and- oh great. We have a guest judge. It’s Jewel, who by some big coincidence, is promoting her new album. Imagine that.

The first person is a cute little blonde named Jessica Brody, who happens to be a Jewel fan. Poor girl must be hella nervous at the thought of singing in front of her idol. Jessica actually sings “You Were Meant for Me,” right in front of Jewel, which I must say, takes a lot of balls. Jewel doesn’t look too happy as Jessica butchers her song, and in the end the judges give Jessica a big NO to Hollywood.

Next up is Troy Benham, and boy is he a trip. Troy looks like a homeless version of Hasidic Jewish rapper Matisyahu, and a lot paler. Troy proudly claims that he’s never heard of American Idol or seen the show because he doesn’t get broadcast TV. Then why the hell is he even there? Not surprisingly, he sucks and is denied the golden ticket.

No American Idol audition episode is complete without at least one delusional, diva gay guy, and we’ve found him in Jesse Holloway. He starts singing “My Heart Will Go On” and is tone deaf to all hell when suddenly he stops and excuses himself to get some water! The judges look stunned. Of course the water made no difference to Jesse’s voice, and the judges said no to him. After snootily questioning Simon’s decision, Jesse slinks out the door. Outside, Jesse starts bitching at the judges through the camera, and it’s just sad. I swear, gay divas just hate it when someone actually stands up to them. They just can’t take it.

In my last article, I predicted that some idiot will dress in costume to get the judges’ attention. Boy, was I right. Charles Munroe gets the bright idea to dress as APOLLO CREED, complete with an American flag robe, stupid hat, and boxing gloves. I shit you not. The best part is that Charles actually sings an Italian aria in this getup! It was surreal. The sad thing was that he actually wasn’t half-bad, but I think that the judges were so confused and annoyed that they gave him a no.

Ah, we hear the first sob story of the season when we meet 16-year-old Denise Jackson, a self-professed crack baby. Last year it was the woman who sold her wedding ring so she could afford the plane ticket to fly to the audition. What ever happened to her? Anyway, fortunately Denise could sing, as she did her rendition of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” and knocked it out of the park. I’m thinking she could make it to the Top 24, but I can’t be sure about the Top 12 since this is just the first episode. Denise is going to Hollywood.

We take a mini-break from the individual auditions and are tortured by a montage of people forgetting the lyrics during the audition. Look, I can only imagine the butterflies in these people’s stomachs, but come on! But some soldier on, like Tashawn Moore. Tashawn spends about five minutes bumbling through Prince’s “Kiss” while the judges look on in pain. I don’t know why they let her go on for so long. My theory is that there’s a light in a wall behind the contestant, and when the Powers That Be who are watching see potential humiliation fodder, they turn that light on to notify the judges not to interrupt the victim -er, person auditioning.

Some Shakira lookalike named Perla Meneses is hitting on Ryan outside, asking if he has a girlfriend. Her plan backfires when she says, “Well, I’m short and you’re short too,” because Ryan then frostily replies, “You’re short, I’m average.” When Perla walks in, Simon perks up and says, “Hiiiii”. Gee, I wonder if she’ll make it to Hollywood. Perla first sings a Blondie song, which wasn’t very good, but Randy is on to something and asks her to sing “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira. Perla admits that she almost used that song but didn’t because she didn’t want to be compared to Shakira. But when she does sing it, the judges all agree that it was better. Simon winks at Shakira -I mean, Perla- and tells her that she’s going to Hollywood.

Matthew Volna walks in with full cowboy gear and attempts to sing a Johnny Cash song…I think. Actually, I couldn’t really tell if he was singing or not. Jewel seemed to be on the same wavelength as me, because she actually asked him, “Are you singing this to be serious, or are you just trying to be funny?” Ooh, burn dude. Sorry Matthew, it’s a no for you.

When Navy man Jarrod Fowler is introduced, I knew right away that he’s chosen to go to Hollywood. Why? Because he gets a mini-documentary. We see the ship where he works. One of his co-workers is interviewed. We find out that he won a singing contest on the ship. Admittedly, Jarrod isn’t bad, though Jewel and Randy caution him about pitchiness and using too many runs in the song. Good job, sailor- you’re through to the next round!

Good god, I didn’t even get the name of the next person because I was too stunned. She does this bizarre Cowardly Lion impersonation and sings “Courage”, complete with growling! What. The. Hell. No, no, no!

Poor Steven Horst somehow got on Randy’s bad side. Steven is a vocal teacher, and belts out Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”. He wasn’t really bad IMO, but was a bit theatrical. Paula says he had too much vibratto. Once again Jewel was on the same wavelength as me, saying it was a little bit musical theater. But Randy gets vicious and says stuff like, “You shouldn’t be a vocal teacher. I wouldn’t take lessons from you”. Simon scolds Randy for his rudeness, but Randy explains that, being a vocal teacher and getting paid to teach singing, he had expected a lot more from Steven.

Some cute blonde chick who looks a little like Claire from Lost auditions. Her name is Michelle Steingas, and she’s pretty good. She gets a yes from the judges.

Dayna Dooney has Gary, the nicest boss in the world. Gary actually paid the flight for her and her sister to audition in Minneapolis. Simon cheekily questions the relationship between Dayna and her boss, but she replies that Gary’s just a nice guy. She starts singing- and it isn’t very good. Simon asks for Gary to come in and asks him why he paid for her flight. Gary says that she’s a great singer and is always singing at the office. Simon once again sleazily questions their relationship, but Gary says that his wife is with them on the trip. Dayna seizes the opportunity to sing again, this time directly to Gary. The judges agree that it was much better when Gary was present. However, since Gary won’t be able to follow Dayna around during the competition, it’s a no.

The judges must be tired as all hell at this point, because when Matt Sato comes in and murders some song, they give him a pass to Hollywood. Did I miss something???

More military representation, as Rachel Jenkins walks in dressed in her Army Reserves uniform. My boyfriend notes that she looks like a masculine Katharine McPhee. Once again I knew immediately that Rachel was going through because she gets a mini-documentary. We see her at work, we find out about her husband who’s stationed in Baghdad, and her dad is interviewed. At the audition, Rachel starts off good, but kind of loses it midway. Still, the judges decide to let her through.

Sarah Krueger has a sultry voice with lots of control. Golden ticket.

Jason Anderson comes in singing lifelessly while juggling sticks. What’s with the sticks? Randy and Jewel try to be nice, complementing Jason’s juggling and suggesting that Jason is more suited for a different show- America’s Got Talent. Simon cuts him down and tells him bluntly, no. Jason has obviously never seen the show before. If he had, he would have known that Simon is a harsh, unforgiving asshole, and that Jason should have been prepared for it. Instead, once outside Jason cusses a blue streak in front of his family and cries like a little girl.

Watching this debacle wide-eyed is “Idol Superfan” Brenna Kryer, who was next. Before going in, we’re treated scenes of Brenna blathering on to Ryan about how she’s the biggest Idol fan and that the biggest fan should naturally be the next American Idol. Um, yeah. Brenna walks in and blubbers to the judges that she’s a big fan of the show. Brenna’s song is “Under Pressure”, and begins with an unholy, terrifying howl. I think dogs as far as Wisconsin were bleeding from the ears after that. Of course the judges tell her no, and Brenna is actually astounded that they don’t like her singing. It’s priceless.

The last featured auditioner is Josh Flow, who says that Chris Daughtry opened the Idol gates for rockers like him. Er, you forgot Bo Bice and Constantine Maroulis, dude. Josh (who looks more like a Backstreet Boy than a rocker), sings a Fuel song and is actually not too bad. However, Simon wisely points out that a sucessful contestant must be able to be versatile and sing in any genre. For example, how will Josh be able to handle ABBA week? Simon gives Josh a challenge: perform an ABBA song. Josh runs outside in a panic since he’s never heard of ABBA. He finally finds someone who knows the lyrics to “Dancing Queen”, rehearses it a bit, then returns. Sure enough, it’s a growly, rock “Dancing Queen”. Simon isn’t impressed, but Jason then says he can do Barry Manilow. He bursts into a growly, rock version of “Lola”, but Simon interrupts him and says that he’s one-dimensional. Jewel doesn’t believe that he’s using his real voice and is concerned he’d damage his vocal cords. Jason assures her that his voice is fine since he’s been singing that way with his band for years. Randy and Jewel agree that Jason is better off sticking with his band, and they send him home.

In the end, only 17 people from Minneapolis will go to Hollywood. Tommorow, Seattle.

Technorati Tags: American Idol auditions, Ryan Seacrest, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, Jewel

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