NoFace for Film

Another week, another audition episode. At least it’s only an hour, because we get a new episode of House! Yay!

This Tuesday, the American Idol train takes us to Birmingham, Alabama, and the show spends the first five minutes reminding us that two winners (Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks) and one runner-up (Bo Bice) have come from this city. Yes, we get it- the judges are supposed to have high expectations from the 11,000 hopefuls in Birmingham. This week there are no guest judges, which is nice but it makes me wonder on the fairness among the cities. After all, if Minneapolis had one extra judge but Memphis didn’t, does it mean that those in Minneapolis had a better chance of getting in? I’m not quite sure. Anyway, I digress.

We are first introduced to a curly-haired blonde shimmying seductively by her seat. She is Erica Skye, and decides to sing “Unchained Melody” because she heard it was Simon’s favorite song and felt it would warm him up to her. That only works if you actually know how to sing. Erica’s sultry hotness does not make up for the fact that she’s tone deaf. She drew out the song, and it was very boring. Simon called it “neverending torture,” and Erica started singing another song in case it might be better. No chance, my dear.

Katie Bernard has a Minnie Mouse speaking voice. She reminded me a whole lot of Paris Bennett, except that Katie is white and an adult. However, like Paris, Katie has a powerful singing voice and is actually not too bad. Randy gives her a reluctant yes while Simon says no. Paula is on the fence, claiming that she thinks as a newlywed Katie should stay with her hubby. Katie brings hubby in to convince Paula that he’ll be just fine with her flying out to California. Only after Katie mentions that Simon is hating the whole scenario that Paula decides to let her through.

When Diana Walker entered the room, I could see Simon looking her up and down with disapproving eyes. Diana is large and in charge, wearing some sort of mesh pink halter top that matched the one pink mesh glove on her right hand, prompting Randy to ask if it was a Michael Jackson thing. The ex-cheerleader(!) sang “Saving All My Love for You,” and was horrible. The judges told her no.

Ok, now we come to the Freak of the Week. Margaret walks in wearing the most frightening, godawful outfit I’ve seen in a long time. It was a bright yellow, fuzzy coat and a matching bright yellow, fuzzy hat. It’s no wonder that Ryan dubbed her Big Bird. Margaret coos in an irritating fake cutesy voice that she wore the outfit especially for Simon. That and for her 15 seconds of fame on TV. Lady, my Bullshit Detector is going haywire. You are NOT there to actually audition.

While in the waiting room, Margaret scared the contestants -and the viewing audience- to death by lifting her coat, revealing that her bright yellow stretchy pants are barely containing her ginormous FUPA . Oh, and the best part is that, although she looks much, much older, Margaret claims that she’s 26 years old. Riiiiiiight.

As Margaret walks in the room, Simon wears an enormous look of disgust on his face, knowing that the producers have tortured him once again by letting someone like her through. Of course Margaret can’t sing, and afterwards Simon called her outfit an “Easter bunny nightmare experiment,” and proceeded to ask how old she really is. Margaret says, “I’m 26,” in her annoying cutesy voice, to which Simon replies, “Yeah. I’m 11, she’s 9 (gestures to Paula), and he’s 10 (gestures to Randy).” Margaret then replies that she’s 33, but Simon still doesn’t buy it. Finally Margaret says that she’s FIFTY years old. Jeez. Not surprisingly, during a commercial for Fox News I see that in fact, Margaret is milking her 15 seconds of fame, “singing” at some diner, wearing the same horrible outfit. My Bullshit Detector just exploded.

Jamie Lyn Ward brings us the Sob Story of the Week. Jamie Lyn is 17 years old who lives with her grandma and paralyzed dad. He’s paralyzed because he caught his wife (Jamie Lyn’s stepmom) cheating on him, so he shot her AND himself. How is he not in prison? Fortunately, Jamie Lyn is a very good singer, though a little shaky. Paula comments that her voice would be prettier if she doesn’t oversing, and both Randy and Simon are amazed that she was spot on and agreed with her. Jamie Lyn gets a golden ticket.

Chris Sligh looks a whole lot like Jack Osborne, and he actually mentions it himself. Chris is very witty and says that his goal is to make David Hassellhoff cry, referring to the actor’s reaction during Taylor’s win last year. Chris is actually a pretty good singer, reminiscent of Meatloaf but not nearly as angst-ridden. Chris gets 3 yeses. Afterwards Chris says that he won them over with his personality: “I just looked at Paula and she crumbled into my chubby little hands.” I like Chris’ snarky sense of humor. Thus ends Day 1, and including Chris 11 people received a golden ticket.

Day 2 finds the contestants with one less judge. Paula had to deal with some family issues, so it was just the guys. I bet that the auditioners were shaking in their boots. After all, Paula is the “nice one”. First up is Victoria Watson, and The Addams Family theme plays because she looks like Cousin Itt. Victoria has been growing her hair throughout her whole, 16-year-old life and is now 6 feet long. I can see the fingers of the Idol stylists twitching in anticipation. Not surprisingly her mom has the same fashion sense, for she stopped growing her hair at 26 years old. Oh brother. Of course the judges asked for the mom to come in the room as well for the visual impact. Sadly, the judges had to turn down Victoria right in front of her mom. Ah well.

Lakia Hill is nasally and off key. The judges say no, and she actually thanked them. This leads to a montage of several polite Alabamians saying thank you after being rejected, much to Randy and Simon’s astonishment.

Finally we have Brandy Patterson, who sings “Like a Virgin” off key. Simon tells her no, but then Brandy actually blames the FLOOR (the little makeshift stage) for her sounding bad. What. The. Hell. Simon spits out, “You are barking mad,” as Brandy proceeds to stand on the carpet and belts out an even worse-sounding “Proud Mary”. Brandy actually thinks that she was better on the carpet, but of course the judges still say no. Brandy starts ranting and raving, which drives Simon into fits of giggles at this point. He’s actually enjoying their back and forth banter and keeps teasing Brandy. “Call me,” he says. Outside, Brandy complains to Ryan that things would have been different if Paula were there and proceeds to call Randy a fatass. Randy sticks his head out the door and says, “What?!?” and tries to get on her good side. Simon steps out and walks past her, once again saying, “Call me.” Ah, that Simon Cowell. He’s a riot.

End of Day 2. Ryan says that overall, 20 people make it to Hollywood. Tommorow night’s episode takes place right in my backyard, as the American Idol auditions take place at the legendary Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California!

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