NoFace for Film

Ah, home sweet home. My home, that is- California. Although American Idol referred to this episode as the Los Angeles auditions, it’s not quite accurate since it seems that part of the auditions took place at the Rose Bowl, which is in Pasadena. Anywho, there’s a quick reminder that Katharine McPhee is from “Los Angeles” which is again a misnomer since technically she’s from Norwalk IIRC. Los Angeles is a big city, but it’s not that big, people.

We have a guest judge. It’s Olivia Newton John, and looking at her mini-montage, she hasn’t aged much in the last 25 years. Olivia sits between Paula and Randy and wait for the first auditioner of the day.

Now, I don’t know if this is a “Los Angelenos are weird people” message that the AI producers are sending out, but the very first person the judges see is the second Freak of the Week. He is Martique Manoukian, also known as “Eccentric”. He’s dressed in full punkass uniform (bandana, cornrows, basketball jersey, baggy pants) kind of looks like Kevin Federline -or as I like to call him, Fed-Ex. Martique has high hopes. He’d like to be a singer, songwriter, rapper, model, actor, dancer, and director. Oh, and did I mention that his speciality is mimicking a panther? Oh brother.

“Eccentric” walks in the room and wordlessly starts some sort of stupid routine: he flings a notebook to the ground, takes off his jacket and shirt, and continues to strut around the room. Paula is laughing her ass off. “Eccentric” then gets on all fours and crawls towards the judges like a panther, gets up and claws the air while growling. It pains me to watch this. He continues to growl and claw until Simon has enough and tells him to sing. “Eccentric” does a weird squeaky rap-sing sort of thing which sucks, and the judges tell him no. Outside this proud idiot tells Ryan that he’s going to become bigger than Michael Jackson. Where the hell do they FIND these people?

Marianna Riccio proclaims that she’s from musical royalty. Her mom apparently was one of Dean Martin’s “Golddiggers”, which I guess is some sort of girl group or something. Unfortunately Marianna didn’t inherit any of her mom’s talent, for she sucks. Marianna gets on her knees to beg, and even brings her mom in to try to talk to the judges. No dice, my dear. Marianna’s begging leads to a montage of several pathetic people on their knees asking for another chance.

Alaina Alexander is adorable and looks like a young Marisa Tomei. Simon says that she was, “Really, really, really good,” while Randy said that he liked her but was pitchy all over the place. Alaina is going to Hollywood- and all she needs to do is drive about 45 minutes to the Kodak Theater

As I sat there watching, I wondered if there was going to be some Asian representation. After all, this is Southern California. Sadly, my people have not done well in past American Idol seasons. Most get eliminated when they get to Hollywood. The closest we’ve gotten is when Jasmine Trias came in third place during Season 3. Unfortunately, the Asians I saw were not only bad, but embarrassing. I saw one dumbass wearing a banana suit singing the unholy ditty, “Peanut Butter Jelly Time”; one person dressed as a cowboy/horse combo; and one person just plain sucked. Then there was Phuong Pham, who feels a connection with Taylor Hicks because his folks didn’t believe in him either. Boo hoo. Honey lamb, Taylor can sing- you can’t. Her dancing isn’t any better, as she tries to imitate Taylor but looks like she’s having a seizure. No ticket.

Sherman Pore is 64 years old. Yes, you read that right. He audtioned for the show and came armed with a petition. Before you dismiss Sherman as another old attention whore like Margaret, Sherman’s story is actually very touching. He auditioned as a tribute to his lady love of 20 years, who had recently passed away from cancer. While in the hospital, she had encouraged him to audition and even helped him with the petition. He sang “You Belong to Me”, which was actually pretty good. Paula was in tears. Simon was very respectful and asked to shake Sherman’s hand- in fact, all the judges shook his hand. Outside, Sherman proudly says, “I’m a winner,” and walks away. Now, that’s class.

Day one ends with 21 people being selected. Wow! Considering that’s the average amount of people selected in other cities, it made me wonder how many had tried out for just that day. But then again, L.A. is huge. Not that big, but huge.

Day two begins with a couple auditioning together. Darold and Cavett are as happy as can be. Cavett enjoys kissing Darold, especially because of his shiny, metallic grill. Kind of like this. Yummy. Cavett is up first and is awful. She then tries to flirt with Simon, who looks uncomfortable- not just because she’s flirting with him, but because it’s distubring to look at. She licks her lips and makes kissy faces towards him, and when she winks at Simon it looks more like someone had accidentally squirted lemon juice in her eye. Darold is next, and he doesn’t so much sing but speak the song. The judges tell Darold that Cavett was flirting with Simon, but Darold isn’t jealous and is cool with it.

Finally, we have Eric Mueller, who starts off singing like someone had taken a handful of his bits and pieces and squeezed. Simon tells him to sing it lower about three times, but Eric sounds awful regardless of what key he sings in. They tell him no, and after Eric leaves Simon notes on Eric’s application that he had taken singing lessons from the DVD Ultimate Voice Coach: Learn to Sing Like a Star!, which so happens to be presented by none other than Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul. Simon is estatic and goes chasing after Eric, while Randy and Paula chase after Simon. Poor guy. I bet for a split second he thought that they had changed their mind.

Day two ended with 19 more folks having to make that grueling drive on the 10 freeway to Hollywood. Wow, what an arduous journey it shall be. Next week we’re headed off to San Antonio, Texas! Yee-haw!