NoFace for Film

Ah, another week, another American Idol. After dealing with senior citizens in the first two weeks, the contestants finally got a mentor who was born after 1965. I can’t believe that AI managed to rope in Gwen. How the hell did they do that? Is she promoting a tour or someth- oops, yes she is. The theme this week is pop music, though Ryan called it the “Gwen Stefani Special”, which didn’t make sense since not everyone sang a Gwen or No Doubt song. Come to think of it, no one performed anything from her solo albums.

Gwen was looking very fresh-faced and lovely. I’m so used to her wearing deep red lipstick, so it’s nice to see her looking a little more down to earth. I thought that she was a very fair mentor. She’d speak of the contestants’ strengths but also mention any concerns she had over their songs.

On tonight’s results show, Gwen will be performing with Akon. That’s great and all, but a horrifying thought just crossed my mind: What if the contestants do a No Doubt or Gwen medley? I can’t bear the thought of hearing them sing in unison, “It’s bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”

I’m spreading the grading scale a bit more this week, from an A-D. Three guesses on who I gave a D?

A

First up was LaKisha, who sang Donna Summer’s “Last Dance”. Personally I think that this is more of a disco song, but oh well. LaKisha’s performance was better than last week. It was upbeat and lively, though I can’t help but compare her with Ms. Summer. Simon said that she acted 30 years younger this week.

Gina was teary-eyed when she met Gwen. Awww. Singing “I’ll Stand By You,” Gina brought the house down. She didn’t scream the bigger notes; she was in control the whole time. Very nice! All the judges loved it. While Paula and Randy said it was one of her best performances, Simon said it was her best performance.

Naturally, no A-list would be complete without Melinda. Man, the woman has the word professional written all over her. Gwen said that she blew her away and offered no criticisms. Granted, it wasn’t one of her more compelling performances but the vocals were still perfect. Simon agreed with me and pretty much said the same thing. That Cowell and I, we think alike!

B

Phil performed “Every Breath You Take”, and it actually was pretty good. Gwen said that she was pleasantly surprised when he sang it in front of her. Ouch. I liked that he didn’t let his big voice get out of control during the chorus. Paula however, noted that he was playing it too safe during the verses.

Jordin chose No Doubt’s “Hey Baby”, which was pretty good and better suited for her than last week’s performance. She did hit a bum note saying the chorus the first time, as if she didn’t catch her breath in time. Randy said that she could sing anything, while Simon said that she was the most improved contestant.

C

I really hate to put Chris S. in the C-list again, but he deserved it. Good god man, why can’t he stay on the beat? And this time it was noticeable, even to non-musically trained ears like mine. Even Gwen was concerned about him staying on the beat. Jeez.

It was odd to watch a boring Blake performance, but there it was. Gwen cautioned Blake about doing any beat boxing during The Cure’s “Love Song”, and thankfully he didn’t. However, he sucked all the life out of it. I know that Robert Smith made a career in being morose, but damn, this was just dull. Surprisingly, all the judges enjoyed the performances and commended Blake for doing something fresh with the song. Paula even predicted that Blake would be in the finals.

Another contestant turned in a blah performance, but this time I had expected it. After all, it was from Haley. Yes, it was a nice song, but she was so boring singing Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors”. Simon said that it was sweet and forgettable. How the hell did Haley last this long in the competition? Oh that’s right, she’s channeling the McPheever.

Chris R. chose No Doubt’s classic “Don’t Speak”, a song very near and dear to Gwen’s heart. Gwen was concerned about Chris doing too many runs, and I totally agreed with her. Not heeding Gwen’s words, Chris whined his way through the song anyway, to Randy and Paula’s delight. Randy in fact encouraged him to do more runs. Yep Randy, what does Gwen know? She only co-wrote the song and has been singing it for ages.

D

You cannot imagine the gales of laughter that came from me when I saw Sanjaya. Holy moly fuck shit on a stick. The kid came out in a “fauxhawk”, and looked like a damn Roman centurion. I think that pretending to be a rocker last week got to Sanjaya’s head, because he now thinks that he’s actually a rocker! Sanjaya sang No Doubt’s “Bathwater,” and according to Gwen, he must have been so nervous to sing in front of her because he forgot the words! Man, that’s just sad. I barely remember the actual performance because of that bizarre hairstyle, but I do remember that it was bad. Even the judges didn’t quite know what to say. It also seems that the little fella had finally grown a pair, because he mouthed off to Simon. He said, “You’re just jealous because you can’t pull this off,” (referring to the hair). Methinks that Sanjaya’s head is swelling. He thinks he’s untouchable and can do anything he wants on stage because his deaf, idealistic fans will vote for him no matter what. We’ll see about that, pal.

Ok, time for my predictions. I think that Haley will finally leave us tonight, because other than Sanjaya, she really is the weakest performer. As for the kid himself, count on him on sticking around for another week to annoy and confuse us.

Who will be leaving: Haley

Who should be leaving: Sanjaya