NoFace for Film

As Ryan Seacrest would say, welcome to another week of American Idol. This week was Latin Week, but I decided to call it “Jennifer Lopez Week” since most people Googling for articles would refer to it as such. Search engine optimization, my friends!

I’m amazed that once again the Idol Powers That Be have ensnared a celebrity mentor to whom the contestants and young audiences can actually relate. Still, I couldn’t help but laugh when the contestants pretended to be enthralled by J. Lo. Seriously, Haley and Melinda - cut out the fake awe. It was weird that she sat on a stool while they sat on the floor in front of her, like she was telling them a story during nap time.

Unlike the other mentors, J. Lo’s advice tended to focus more on the performance itself, rather than the song. She taught some of the contestants how to properly pronounce Latin words and also helped them with some moves, which some people desperately needed (Melinda, I’m looking at you, girl).

Here we go with the rating. Once again, it’ll be by letter grade, but expanded. Interesting that most of the ladies sang Gloria Estefan songs, while most of the guys sang Santana songs. Why couldn’t any of them sing a J. Lo song? Didn’t American Idol pay for any? I guess not. Cheap bastards.

B+

Surprisingly, I didn’t give anyone an A this week. I just wasn’t that impressed by any of the performances, even Melinda’s. In fact, she gets a B this week. One of the B+ grades goes to LaKisha, who performed “Conga”, which was vocally strong, lively and fun. However, you can also see similar performances on any cruise ship. Paula and Simon said that it was a safe performance.

The judges are totally grooming Blake to be the next American Idol. I don’t see anything wrong with that since he is awesome, but my god do they kiss his ass. Blake chose Marc Anthony’s “I Need to Know” and bravely sang it in front of J. Lo. It was a cool performance, though apparently not for Blake since his raised arms revealed pit stains. Yes, that was supposed to be a joke. I thought that he was singing it a half step too high since he seemed to struggle with the song. However, all the judges loved it.

B

I never thought I’d toss Melinda in the B category, but I just wasn’t crazy about her performance this week. Oh sure, technically it was perfect as usual, but her performance of “Sway” was pretty boring. And yes, I agree with Simon in that it was old-fashioned, cabaret, and wooden. And who picked out that dress for her? It was too long for her squat body.

The eternally peppy Jordin sang “Rhythm is Gonna Get You”, which was not bad, but surprisingly boring, considering it’s such an upbeat song. I just wasn’t impressed, and neither was Simon, who said it was okay but not stunning.

B-

Yecccch. Chris sang one of my favorite songs, “Smooth”, by Rob Thomas and Santana. This song is awesome. It’s seductive and sultry, the kind you want to have dirty, sweaty sex to with a hot guy you picked up at a club. But nooooo, Chris had to ruin my fantasy by Justin Timberfaking it as usual, with all the unnecessary runs. Fuck you Randy by encouraging him to do these runs. You can’t R & B-ify every damn song.

C+

Since it was Latin Week, you’d think that some of the contestants would be ballsy enough to actually try to sing something in Spanish. Just when I thought that all of them were gutless cowards, in came Sanjaya with “Besame Mucho”. I still can’t stand him and want him off the show, but I have to give him kudos for having the courage to sing a (mostly) Spanish song. It was boring, but it wasn’t horrible, as Simon said. That poor excuse for a goatee has got to go though. And what was up with Shymali’s freaky but hot boyfriend?

C

Oh, yay. Haley is wearing short shorts again to distract the audience while she sang. Apparently, her spell has worn off of Simon, because he totally called her on it. Seriously girl, it can’t be any more obvious, and it’s just sad. Her performance of “Turn the Beat Around” was fun to watch, but again she’s just not of the same caliber as the other three ladies. Randy said that it was “really karaoke”, while Simon said the vocals felt rushed in the end.

C-

Finally, we have Phil at the bottom. Good lord, he looked creepier than usual. When did his skin turn gray? Did he trade beauty secrets with Marc Anthony, like only drinking the blood of babies and virgins? What gives? Nos-Phil-atu sang, “Maria, Maria”, and unsurprisingly he couldn’t handle the low notes at the beginning of the song. He tried to make up for it in the middle and near the end, but his voice gave out and he actually squeaked. Man, it was bad. Paula said it was a good vocal, until the end, while Simon said that it was lifeless (heh!) and had no originality.

Frankly, after the surprises from the last two weeks, I couldn’t really tell who would be going home tonight. Haley, Phil, and especially Sanjaya are indestructible, like freaking cockroaches surviving a nuclear attack. But here goes my prediction:

Who will go home: Phil or Haley

Who should go home: Sanjaya, Phil, and Haley