NoFace for Film

I am upset. No, scratch that- I am pissed.

I can’t believe what happened.

What is wrong with the voters? Have they lost their minds? How in the hell can Phil or Haley still be in the competition? Forget Sanjaya for a moment since for now he’s everyone’s little darling, but how can someone else other than Phil or Haley go home?

Nearly everything in the episode spelled disaster. The only saving grace was perhaps the usually irritating Ford ad. It actually wasn’t bad this time, especially since it had Kermit the Frog, who I think is just adorable.

But everything went downhill from there. When I saw that the contestants were grouped in three groups of 3, I thought, “Uh oh”. Ryan explained that one group was the Top 3, the second group the Middle 3, and the third group the Bottom 3. A sinking feeling came over me when I saw who was grouped together.

Sanjaya was obviously safe since he was with Chris and Blake. No shock, but still very disappointing. Ryan then walked over to Gina, Haley, and Phil, and that really pissed me off. Gina did not belong between those two twits, and she looked miserable. Haley looked defeated and ready to go home as usual, while Phil continued to smile with those giant teeth of his. Then when Ryan walked over to Melinda, Jordin, and LaKisha, I instinctively thought they were safe, but then flashbacks from Season 3 flooded my mind. Oh crap- is one of them going home? Are we going to have another Jennifer Hudson moment and send LaKisha packing? Fortunately, no. The three ladies were safe, which left Gina, Haley, and Phil to sweat it out for another ten minutes as the special guest performed.

Guess what? It’s not Tony Bennett, but Michael Buble. I guess the old man was too busy to appear on the show. It’s a shame, because it was one of the worst guest performances I’d ever seen on American Idol. It was worse than when Toni Braxton practically humped Taylor Hicks on stage during their duet last year. I swear, Michael was drunk as a skunk. He looked awful and wasn’t standing quite upright; he was singing funny, and he even forgot the words at one point! During a brief instrumental, Michael stumbled towards the band and did this weird, drunken dance before returning to the mic. It was downright embarrassing. After the “performance”, Michael made some joke about still voting for Antonella Barba, which would have been funnier had he not clearly been hitting the bottle 5 minutes before he went on stage.

When the show returned after the commercials, Ryan immediately sent Phil back to safety. Unfuckingbelievable. He was awful this week, and he gets another chance? I couldn’t believe my eyes; Gina was standing there with Haley. Gina, who was never in the bottom until this week. Haley was staring intently at her nails while Gina looked numb. I nearly fell off my couch when Ryan announced that Gina was leaving.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?????

How is Haley still on the show? At least you can count on Sanjaya to do something weird with his hair at every show, but she contributes nothing. Every week she turns in a coma-inducing performance, yet she remains. She doesn’t get nearly the same amount of attention as the other contestants, but she’s still there. Who is voting for her???

Next week’s mentor is none other than JLo. Whoopee. Wonder if they’ll learn from her what it’s like to be married to the undead. Oh wait, Phil’s wife already knows.