NoFace for Film

We finally come to our last stop on the American Idol audition tour, in the city of San Antonio, Texas. Cue the obligatory scenes of famous landmarks, and in a voiceover Ryan Seacrest says that people showed up from all over the country for one final chance at auditioning. Overall, 11,000 had dreams of becoming the next American Idol. How many actually made it to Hollywood?

Simon, having flown from London the night before, is rather jet lagged and groggy as all hell. Apparently his jet lag also affected the seating arrangements, for he’s sitting on the left and Randy is sitting on the right. That, or it’s Backwards Day!

Fortunately Simon wasn’t groggy for long since Brian Kyrish was there to wake him up. Brian launched into an ear-splitting version of “Rebel Yell” with no melody included, jarring Simon and everybody else wide awake. Brian mentioned that he recently won a mock American Idol competition, and after his audition Simon wondered what the loser sounded like. No go for Brian.

Jasmine Holland missed a lot of notes and was nasally. When the judges told her no, she refused to go without a fight. Jasmine told the judges that they were being negative, and that it was rude. Honestly- has she never seen the show before??? As she was out the door, Jasmine asked Randy what he’s ever done in the music industry, and snidely commented that she’d never heard of him until American Idol.

Outside, Jasmine and her whole family continued to bitch about all the judges. Her ignorant mom or whoever that was complained that because Simon is “French”, he shouldn’t be on an American show. When Ryan corrected her and said that Simon is British, this genius then actually said something like, “Then he should go back to British, to his own country.” Wow. I didn’t know that “British” was a country. And what is up with these morons who don’t know why Simon Cowell is on the show??? Interestingly, the Holland family’s rantings actually pissed off even Ryan, who said, “Those are my friends- 2 of them.” Three guesses as to who isn’t Ryan’s friend.

Baylie Brown is a cute, blonde 16 year old who looks a little like Denise Richards. You just knew that she’d be chosen because the cameras followed her to her house, interviewed her parents, and hell- even filmed her picking out her CLOTHES. She was actually rather boring in her audition, but I can see the dollar signs in Simon’s eyes as he watched her. Indeed, Simon said that Baylie looked like she was born to be a pop star, and was commercial with a capital C. He even liked her name. Needless to say, Baylie will be in Hollywood.

William Green and Akron Watson are cousins trying out together. William is first and sings the slowest, off-key version of “Amazing Grace” I’ve ever heard. When the judges comment on how slow it was, William took it well, and when they asked him who he thought was the better singer, William readily admitted that it was his cousin. Because he’s taking it so well, I think that William was never really serious about auditioning and just did it for his cousin. In fact, William tells the judges that he was going to pretend to storm outside in a fit, for the benefit of the cameras. All 3 judges laughed heartily as Wiliam “kicks” the door open and “screams” at them. When Akron does his thing, he is indeed much better than his cousin. However, Simon was bored, and Paula encourages Akron to wake him up. He sings his next song with a peppier attitude, which causes Simon to smile. Golden ticket for Akron.

Sandie Chavez feels that she’s a shoo-in. She’s been singing since she was 6 years old, and recently she performed for the Mayor of Houston. However, her audition got a “What the hell?” look from me and the judges because we couldn’t understand a damn thing she was singing. Exasperated, Simon asks her, “Was that serious?” causing Sandie to cry and Paula to lunge at him. I guess Simon actually felt bad, for he decides to hold his tongue. Paula notes on Sandie’s application form that she’s a teacher, and tenderly tells her that she should stick to that and leave the singing to the actual singers. The bitter irony is that after Sandie leaves, Simon realizes on the application that Sandie is a MUSIC teacher. Ouch.

Ashlyn Carr made it into the American Idol history books with her audition. A very pretty, fresh faced girl, Ashlyn has a very unique voice. However, like Clay Aiken used to do before he corrected it, Ashlyn makes awful faces when she sings, scrunching her nose and looking like she’s angry. Randy liked her, but said no and explains that he’s distracted by her face. Paula was on the fence for a bit before saying no as well for the same reasons. After Ashlyn left, Simon quietly says, “I would have said yes,” causing Paula to look at him in horror. The judges realize they may have made a mistake, and haul her back in. Ashlyn still sounds cool and unique, and you can tell that she was trying her best to control her facial expressions. Simon tells her that she’s too good to pass, but has bad habits that need to be broken. The judges tell Ashlyn that she needs to work on her facial expressions, and send her off with a golden ticket.

It’s the end of the day, and it ends on a high note. Jimmy McNeal is the last auditioner. And he sounds pretty damn good. Simon likes him and says that he’s “like a little, fun Ruben,”. Jimmy gets the last golden ticket of the day, and of the season, and joins the other 21 people who made it.

Yay! We’re done with the audition episodes. Now we can start getting to business, see some real talent, and– oh, wait a minute now. What’s this? Of course. As a last attempt to humiliate people and squeeze their blood for ratings, the producers have put together a “Best of the Best” and “Worst of the Worst” episode for Wednesday night. Why do I get a feeling that it’s going to focus a lot more on the latter group? This may explain why there weren’t any Freaks of the Week in this episode- because they’re saving them for tommorow night. Argh.

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