NoFace for Film

Title: Manos: The Hands of Fate (Mystery Science Theater 3000 version)
Year: 1966
Director: Hal Warren
Starring Cast: Tom Neyman, John Reynolds, Hal Warren
Rated: Not Rated

Title: Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV show)
Year: 1988-1999
Starring Cast: Joel Hodgson, J. Elvis Weinstein, Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff

NoFace for Film rating of just Manos: -5 out of 7

Noface for Film rating of the MST3K version: 2.5 out of 7

Imagine, if you will, that a group of 8-year olds were given a video camera and asked to make a movie. I am willing to bet anything that what they create will be a thousand times better than the abysmal, pathetic excuse of a “movie” called Manos: The Hands of Fate.

I have now killed several important brain cells from watching this movie.

The things I do for you people. Sigh.

The movie oddly begins with a 10 minute clip of a totally unrelated, black and white short called Hired! I have no idea if this was just thrown in by the diabolical fiends at MST3K as filler (since Manos itself is mercifully rather short) or if it was included in the original screening of Manos. As pointless as it was, Hired! was a pleasure to watch compared to what was to come.

Manos: The Hands of Fate is your basic horror story about the innocent family on a trip that gets lost and encounters scary, scary people/monsters/cults/etc. This plot has been done a thousand times (e.g., The Hills Have Eyes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Deliverance) over the years so I won’t ever bother to go any further with it. What I’m here to discuss is why Manos has earned its place in the IMDB Bottom 100.

The biggest problem with Manos goes beyond the godawful acting, the really poor stunts, the overused plot, and the stupid ending. You see, before directing this gem, Hal Warren was a fertilizer salesman who, for some bizarre reason, thought he could direct AND star in a horror movie. Old Hal must have dug up his video camera that his grandma gave him for his 13th birthday and put it to use. The result was this mess of a movie called Manos. Here is a condensed list of what’s wrong with the movie:

- At the start of the movie, we’re treated to (seriously) excruciatingly long footage of the driving sequence. Countryside, countryside, countryside is what you see for the first 10 minutes of the movie.
-Warren had no clue how to frame shots, often using zoom at the most inappropriate moments.
-Many scenes were blurry.
-The actors’ voices are completely out of sync with their mouth movements.
-Apparently, Warren’s idea of creating a “freak” is to have some guy wear large kneepads under his pants and walk funny.

To spare you all from actually seeing this movie, read the hillarious blow-by-blow account here. I commend this guy for actually watching it several times so he could write his review.

Now, since the MST3K folks picked up Manos, you’d think that they’d be able to salvage it by making fun of it. After all, their version of Mitchell is genius. Sadly, not even Joel and the robots could save this piece of shit. Oh, they tried mightily but it just didn’t work. In fact, in the show when the Mad Scientists apologized to Joel (twice!) for foisting this on him, I get the feeling that they were actually apologizing to us.

There is one good thing about the MST3K DVD, however- a half hour clip of bloopers by the cast and crew which almost (but not quite) make up for Manos. While some of the bloopers are repetitive (e.g., the robots falling apart), overall they’re rather funny.

Do yourself a favor and avoid this “movie” at all costs. Some of you may feel that it’d be funny to watch while drunk or high. I honestly somehow doubt it. It truly sucks the bag.

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